Jeremy Atiyah on a babble of Judaism and Christianity

Our history is reduced to a laser- and pyrotechnic-enhanced babble of Judaism and Christianity

Published: 28 January 2001

Our history is reduced to a laser- and pyrotechnic-enhanced babble of Judaism and Christianity

I've never been a fan of theme parks. Aren't there enough real places in the world, not to need to invent new ones? In fact I'd probably rather join a tour of, say, a defunct nuclear power station in Ukraine than go to Disneyland, on the grounds that it would be less artificial. There'd be less danger of running into giant mice with mutated ears.

At least a place such as Chernobyl might offer the potential of changing your life; of inspiring you to go out and do some good in the world afterwards. (To the credit of Disneyland, I have never heard it claimed that Mickey Mouse has made the world a better, nobler, more beautiful or more meaningful place.)

But as of now, I've decided that Disneyland is a great benefactor to this world. Thank God for Goofy, I say, and thank God for bringing this beacon of good taste, of reality, responsibility and meaning, into our children's lives. For the sake of their souls, I now want them to spend as much time as possible being sick on scary roller-coasters.

Why? Well, to save them from the latest theme park opening in Orlando, Florida, in a week's time. It's to be called - wait for it - the Holy Land Experience.

Sorry, but this has to take the biscuit as the biggest chunder-inducing exercise in the history of tourism. No roller-coaster can touch it. I haven't been there (nor am I planning a visit), but I am going to pontificate anyway: after all, pontification is what this park is going to be about.

Visitors, I am told, will be able to enter a replica of Jesus's tomb, climb the stairs of a copy of Herod's Temple and travel down a re-creation of Jerusalem's Via Dolorosa. Presumably they'll be able to queue for tickets and stop off for refreshments of Coca-you-know-what whenever they need to, as well, before buying souvenir T-shirts in the gift shop.

Apparently the Jews of Florida are already outraged by this latest attraction, since its owner, they claim, is a man who may have an interest in converting Jews to Christianity.

And without getting technical, I think I can see their point. By all accounts the park reduces thousands of years of human thought and experience into a laser-and pyrotechnic-enhanced babble of Judaism and Christianity (You know the kind of thing: "Moses. Jesus. The greatest story ever told ... Say, we could get all those biblical guys in!".)

The mere thought of overweight kids puffing down a fake Via Dolorosa having "shaloms" said to them by women in "biblical era" robes is almost turning me into a religious fanatic as well, in order to be outraged by it.

As far as I am aware there is only one Holy Land in the world, and funnily enough it's not in America. It's in a part of the world that those Coke-guzzling, burger-gobbling folk may never have heard of, but let's call it the eastern Mediterranean, and what's more it is currently being fought over by competing groups of unfortunate people whose livelihoods are at stake.

If you want to go on a holiday to learn something about the meaning of life, I suggest that there is where you should go.

Otherwise by all means go to Disney. But do yourself a favour. Just don't go to a theme park called the Holy Land Experience.